The Undignified Road to my Dignified Car

As the Ultimate Warrior once said, “BURY YOUR ANCHORS INTO MY BONES AND THE TERRIBLE FIRE AND AWESOME POWER OF THE WARRIOR WILL PREVAIL THROUGH THE COSMIC MARROW YEEEEEEAH!”

Given that Mr Warrior took his martinis anabolic-filled, not stirred, there’s a good chance that even he had no idea what he meant, but if I had to hazard a guess, it would be this: life is full of walls, but walk far enough to the left and you’ll inevitably find a way around. 

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Or, for the sake of context, sometimes being a lot more Gent starts with being a little more Versatile.

Take this esteemed publication. It’s fantastic reading about the never-ending Superyacht Slumber Parties and Supercar Sunday Drives, but it’s also a bit like standing next to Tendai Mtawarira at the urinal. You’re going to look, but sweet Jesus, it’ll leave you feeling more than a little depressed about your own situation.

So I’ve decided to turn my frown upside down by getting the brand new Mercedes AMG-GT.

Yep. 4.0-litre V8. 650Nm of torque. $250,000.

Can’t wait.

Is my disposable income a little too far south of the price tag? Sure. 

Is my dental work a little too far north for convincing armed robbery? Affirmative. 

But I’m getting it all the same.  

Because we’re a nation of go-getters. But, more importantly, we’re a nation of fundraisers.

So I’m going to sausage sizzle my way to my AMG-GT. 

That’s right. The proud Australian tradition that’s dominated the Bunnings carpark scene for decades will be the key to my automotive triumph.

I’ve done the maths. I’ve Good Will Hunting-ed the numbers. And they bloody stack up.

I’m looking at around three bucks per kg of sausages. One buck for a loaf of sandwich white. Couple bucks for a litre of sauce. Same for the margarine. Onions, optional, but let’s throw ‘em in (we are gentlemen, after all). Another couple bucks per kg. Which all roughly boils down to a marginal 50c for a $2 snag.

That’s a 300% profit margin.

In other words, put in $63k of bread, sauce and Aussie meat, and you can get out $250k of carbon fibre, leather and German engineering. Quite the ROI.

I know what you’re thinking. “A sausage sizzle? Are you insane? You could reach your goal ten times faster with an erotic car wash!” And you’re right. To this day the erotic carwash remains the undisputed gold standard in fundraising. But if you lack the two key components necessary to erotically clean a windscreen, you’re forced to go slow and steady.

But that’s fine. Tortoise and the hare, and all that.

So the next time you pull in to Bunnings and see a man with underwhelming breasts selling snags, buy one. Shit, buy two.

Because maybe, just maybe, that man is a man like you.

A man just trying to achieve his dream of getting from 0 to 100 in 3.8 seconds.

A man who’s simply trying to be a lot more Gent by being a little more Versatile.

Thanks, Ultimate Warrior.

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